It’s always been surprising to me how much we learn about
ourselves when doing personal surveys. When
responding to whether or not I am a resonant leader I found at first that I was
lying to myself. As I wrote my answers
and read them, I was conscious to the fact that some of my replies were on many
levels untrue. This makes me think that
my internal awareness is not intact and I am only responding how I think I
should. Instead of being mindful, I feel
more mindless after doing the exercise.
One of my downfalls is what my family likes to call “my floating
head”. They are in constant awe of my
complete obliviousness when my floating head decides to take a trip to la-la
land. I have a bad tendency to day dream
and slip away, even in the middle of a conversation. This type of behavior has pegged me as being
absent-minded, self-centered and even downright rude. I
honestly do not believe that I am self-centered but instead have difficulties
in tuning into my environment. Despite all my training in meditation and yoga,
my biggest challenge is being present. I
find it difficult to stay grounded.
Because of this I can many times be completely unaware of what is going
on around me. I can miss complete
conversations that are occurring in front of me because I become easily
distracted by my thoughts and surroundings. This type of mindless behavior can be
dangerous if you imagine it being applied not only in safe scenarios such boardrooms
and offices, but for example when driving. Wegela explains that all
mindlessness practices basically “cut us off from the direct experience of our
body and sense perceptions. Mind is in one place, and body is in another. This
is sometimes described as "de-synchronization" of body and mind” (Wegela, 2011). I do however want to differentiate between
different types of mindfulness. One can
be compassionate and mindful of people’s emotions and behaviors, such as I am, but
not necessarily mindful of their own actions or other more physical things that
are happening in their environment. For
example, many times I slip into a sort of autopilot when conducting my
administrative duties. The danger of
this is that I am more prone to making mistakes. Yet, when speaking with my students about
their academic goals, I am very mindful of their emotions and expectations and
react with resonant behavior. Mindfulness
can also be understood as “a state of active awareness characterized by the
continual creation and refinement of categories, an openness to new
information, and a willingness to view contexts from multiple perspectives” (Levinthal & Rerup, 2006, p. 502).
In this aspect I consider myself to be consistently
mindful and open to other perspectives and new information. I am always eager to learn of better and more
efficient ways of doing things.
Interestingly though, I am very perceptive of people’s emotions
and energies and can easily tune into them if I am being “present”. I believe that my ability to perceive people’s
emotions is because of my extraordinary compassion. I easily cry and feel an unearthly obligation
to save every creature I can, be it man or beetle. I have been known to cry for stepping on
snails by accident. I feel tremendous
grief when I am the cause of suffering for any man or animal and will become
consumed by these thoughts for hours and even days. My therapist used to tell me that I suffered from
chronic guilt syndrome. The problem with
guilt is that it can be another form of self-criticism that, if not kept in
check, will make you sensitive and sore and which will feed your defensive
mechanism (Berglas, 2012).
I do however believe that when I am “present” I can be extremely
motivational and inspiring. Although, I
must admit that this type of positivism does not extend to myself. I am everyone’s best cheerleader except my
own. I find joy in complementing people
and helping them in reaching their fullest potential. I am talented when it comes to pumping and
cheering people up. Unfortunately, I am
not so kind to myself and am very critical of my own actions and behaviors. And although I am extremely humble, and become
embarrassed when people give me compliments, I yearn for acceptance. Because of this, I can be very defensive when
receiving criticism. It is something
that I am slowly overcoming.
I feel that if I am going to be a successful resonant leader, that
I first need to find that resonance in myself. My internal imbalance will surely transmit
itself to others when trying to lead as we have learned that emotions are
contagious. In our reading, we learn
that “leadership is a conscious process, starting with clarity about one’s own
personal vision and hopes for the future” (McKee, Boyatzis, & Johnston, 2008,
p. 43). I first need to conquer my
own insecurities before I can practice any type of resonant leadership.
References
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