Creating a lifeline was a very interesting experience. Seeing my entire life lined up in one line really
put everything into perspective. It also
made me realize how circular everything really was, like a set of patterns that
keep repeating themselves. There have
been 2 important deaths in my life, that of my best friend and of my father. Both died of the same rare disease which makes
these 2 events that much more significant to me. I also noticed that after every great
depression I experienced, I also spiraled out through a transition period that
was very positive. The famous saying “you
have to hit rock bottom and then you can only go up” is really true. I have not been able to really make real
important changes in my life until I’ve sunk to the deepest ends of myself. I noticed also while looking at the life line
I created that my lowest points in life also coincided with the ending of a
relationship. I have had a very rocky
and unsuccessful love life due to the fact that I attract or invite the wrong
kinds of people into my life. I used to
attribute this to my horrible ability of reading people, but now I’ve realized,
and seen the pattern, that my overwhelming compassion actually attracts me to
people who are damaged. Unfortunately, I
still have not learned that damaged people have to fix themselves. This pattern of trying to fix people is
self-evident on my timeline as well. The
timeline shows my personal high points after my transitional phases. But, I also see in my timeline that failed
relationships bring me crashing down from these high points where I begin the
whole process again.
The exercise on social identities and roles ties me very closely
to the military life. My father was Navy
so we traveled and moved extensively. I
am accustomed to living in different countries and experiencing different
cultures. I’m also used to making and
losing friends on a regular basis. I
think what affects me the most about my social identity is that I have learned
to adapt easily to any environment. I have no trouble making friends, changing
jobs, changing partners in relationships. I have a true lack of stability in my
life. Even today, I am 43 and living
with my mother because of a recent separation with my husband. It seems this pattern has repeated itself
throughout my life. This instability has
also made me feel victimized by the world giving me a sense that I have no
control over my life and the things that happen to me. Because of all these changes I have always
felt like I don’t fit in anywhere. I am
completely covered in tattoos and it seems that I consciously mold myself into
someone that is completely different from others. I avoid the norm, dress differently than
everyone else and hate conforming. Yet I
have a very deep desire to be accepted and loved. I am a living contradiction where I shun
people out but at the same time try to reel them into my life.
When drawing out my social web, I became acutely aware that it is
very small. I do not have a relationship
with my extended family therefore the only family members who I have any
relationship with at all are my mother, my brother and his wife, and my nephew.
Until recently, I had a relationship
with my husband who was the center of my existence. I do not really have any friends here, only
coworkers and acquaintances. I make
friends easily, but I don’t open up personally to people, and tend to keep my
personal feelings private. Therefore,
you could say my friendships are very superficial with the people here because
I have not lived in Spain very long. My
most harmonious relationship unfortunately is with my friends who are in the
States. The relationship with my family
has been dissonant because I’ve always been the black sheep of the family. Yet, as I currently am going through a separation
with my husband, I have discovered an unconditional love and support from my
mother that I was not aware of or had forgotten. The relationship that was most draining was
with my husband. He is a very needy
person who does not like an independent woman. His cultural background, being a Spaniard, is
very “machista” and therefore he feels I have a responsibility to be more
attentive to him.
These exercises have been helpful to me because I’ve been able to
see some repetitive negative patterns. Seeing
this visually helps me to be more mindful of these traps so I can avoid them.
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